I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
