At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
