college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
