Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
