I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
