Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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