You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
