eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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