Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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