nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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