last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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