Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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