when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
