I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
