Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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