Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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