I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
