my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
