I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
