Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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