Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
