New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
