she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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