Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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