I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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