I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
