i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
