Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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