Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
