It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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