Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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