Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
