Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
