Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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