So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
