Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
