I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
