I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Even my vagina gasped.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
