you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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