The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
