3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
