birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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