do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
