I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
