pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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