yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
