he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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