I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
