She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
