tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
