I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
